One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

river carries a stillness
kingfisher dives --
not a ripple

7 comments:

Alan Summers said...

I really like "river carries a stillness" although I'd suggest using a definite article.

river carries a stillness
kingfisher dives --
not a ripple


Don't get caught up in worrying about syllable counts, if the long line has to have eight syllables to maintain a natural syntax then trust that.

e.g.

kingfisher dive
the river carries a stillness
not a ripple


An old one of mine, although I prefer your's now! ;-)

rain ceases
as I leave the sycamore. . .
one more kingfisher


Alan Summers
Blithe Spirit
December 2004 issue

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.

Kelly Marszycki said...

question: would an article imply a particular river? just curious --

Alan Summers said...

Hi Kelly! ;-)

A definite article would imply a particular river, but unnamed it could be anyone's particular river.

Is the haiku experiential or imagined?

If it's experiential I still don't feel you need to name the river, as "River Kingfishers" are common in several countries from Sri Lanka, England, Australia etc...

It definitely works very well as an "unnamed river" or "unknown river" a bit like the "unknown soldier" is universal.

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.

martin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
martin said...

river carries a stillness
kingfisher dives --
not a ripple

Listen to Alan’s haiku:

rain ceases
as I leave the sycamore. . .
one more kingfisher

The incredible music and longing in the naming of the tree and the pause with the follow through of “one more kingfisher”. The whole thing reminds me of a musical phrase. I guess you call that lyrical.

Yet I agree with Alan that in your piece not naming the river, in this instance, is open to “everyone’s river”. Alan’s suggestion:

kingfisher dive
the river carries a stillness
not a ripple

It's nice enough! However, excuse me for further cuts, what about the obvious to me:



kingfisher dive
the river carries stillness


???

My Apologies,

martin

martin said...

I was thinking further on your moment and I know that if someone fiddled with my attempt I would say, “Get your hands off my poem.” and mean it! However, I feel that suggestion captures what you wanted to show in that magical instant. Those suggestions are just that guides. Maybe you can go back to it and explore it further, such as a haiku sequence or haibun. It’s all just a thought.

Regards,

martin

Kelly Marszycki said...

no offenses taken! I welcome suggestions as I'm just learning with a long road ahead. :~)