One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

apple peel sliver-
this bridge over the River Ouse
breaking cloud cover
.

7 comments:

Vida said...

“apple peel sliver”- simple words, but such a melody when put together!

Alan Summers said...

Thanks Vida, wasn't sure if it worked. The River Ouse bridge I cross over to make my way to Hull has been one I've been working on for months.

Not sure if I've got it right of course, but maybe there's something in this draft that I can keep for a final haiku.

Really appreciate your thoughts and comments helping me to get closer to a haiku.

all my best,

Alan

Vida said...

You are welcome, Alan! Unfortunately I am not at all professional writer and I cannot say if you got everything right, but I love the flow of the poem and the feeling that it leaves.

Alan Summers said...

Thanks Vida,

I appreciate the candor, and feedback. It's always too easy to just "do" an okay poem, and not take criticism.

I'll take this as a useful draft, and leave it a while, give it some distance, and see if it still works.

I'm really grateful for the comments, they are incredibly useful. ;-)

all my best,

Alan

Wandering spirit said...

I love to feel how the first line moves my tongue and lips....

Wandering spirit said...

and the rhyme...

diana l. said...

I like your use of the word "this". It pulls me right into a particular place.