One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

to the breeze,
I hang on, with my teeth
my two hands hold
a notepad and a pencil
I'm hanging on--goodness me!
----------------
..circa: Nov. 19, 2010
..Copyright 2010 Spiros Zafiris
..channeled; spirit Harmony
---------------------
QUESTION (Concerning poem):
should i have made it: "crisp breeze"
in Line 1, to be more symbolic
of autumn..?

7 comments:

diana l. said...

"Crisp" reminds me of fall apples - to which one could, I suppose, sort of "hang on" with one's teeth...

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks diana l.>>perhaps i'll use
"crisp" but, now, i've realized
that the poem is more a kyoka that a tanka..and in kyoka, one is supposed to break the rules, more
than not..but, still, the way the poem is set up, one gets the impression that the breeze i speak of can easily pass for an autumn kigo--but, then, i'd face the reality that i'm not breaking any
rules, as one often does in kyoka
..but, still, again, kyoka isn't only about breaking tanka rules
------
..be strong, concerning your
mother's passing..my mother passed
on May 18, 2009, a year-and-a-half
ago yesterday..i have her photo on the fridge and i still talk
to her, now and then..it helps
to write about one's mother
..>spiros
---------

Spiros Zafiris said...

..but, Diana, isn't it clear, in the poem, that i'm hanging on to the breeze with my teeth..and i'm
being carried along

..spiros
----------

Vida said...

Spiros, I don't think that you need "crisp". Before I read your question, I was already 'seeing' you outside in a cold evening :)
I like it!

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks, again, Diana..and thanks,
much, Vida..i think i have it right, grammatically speaking..but,
then, i pause and wonder; it may be better to start it:

I hang on
to the breeze with my teeth
my two hands hold
a notepad and a pencil
I'm hanging on--goodness me!
-----------

anyways, much gratitude
to you two..>>spiros
---------------------

Carlos Gesmundo said...

Spiros -- I like the revision.

Best wishes.

Carlos

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks Carlos..>>sometimes i agree with you, other times
i think the original is more
clinically true verse..i guess
i'll pick one version soon enough
..>>spiros