One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way


to the breeze,
I hang on, with my teeth
my two hands hold
a notepad and a pencil
I'm hanging on--goodness me!
..circa: Nov. 19, 2010
..Copyright 2010 Spiros Zafiris
..channeled; spirit Harmony
QUESTION (Concerning poem):
should i have made it: "crisp breeze"
in Line 1, to be more symbolic
of autumn..?


diana l. said...

"Crisp" reminds me of fall apples - to which one could, I suppose, sort of "hang on" with one's teeth...

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks diana l.>>perhaps i'll use
"crisp" but, now, i've realized
that the poem is more a kyoka that a tanka..and in kyoka, one is supposed to break the rules, more
than not..but, still, the way the poem is set up, one gets the impression that the breeze i speak of can easily pass for an autumn kigo--but, then, i'd face the reality that i'm not breaking any
rules, as one often does in kyoka
..but, still, again, kyoka isn't only about breaking tanka rules
------ strong, concerning your
mother's mother passed
on May 18, 2009, a year-and-a-half
ago yesterday..i have her photo on the fridge and i still talk
to her, now and helps
to write about one's mother

Spiros Zafiris said...

..but, Diana, isn't it clear, in the poem, that i'm hanging on to the breeze with my teeth..and i'm
being carried along


Vida said...

Spiros, I don't think that you need "crisp". Before I read your question, I was already 'seeing' you outside in a cold evening :)
I like it!

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks, again, Diana..and thanks,
much, Vida..i think i have it right, grammatically speaking..but,
then, i pause and wonder; it may be better to start it:

I hang on
to the breeze with my teeth
my two hands hold
a notepad and a pencil
I'm hanging on--goodness me!

anyways, much gratitude
to you two..>>spiros

Carlos Gesmundo said...

Spiros -- I like the revision.

Best wishes.


Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks Carlos..>>sometimes i agree with you, other times
i think the original is more
clinically true verse..i guess
i'll pick one version soon enough