As I reread this, I'm thinking that less might be so much more.What about something like:"we smilescant flakes pirouetteprecocious winter"I know that's not quite right, but it still seems like it would have more power with fewer words. What do you think?
.thanks Diana..>>let me see; where's my little note book..i kinda like your idea..howabout:we smile at these precocious flakesall eager beavers---------------.i don't know where that came frombut it suddenly surfaced and i kinda like it..and it is shorter than the original..thanks.i may keep them both..spiros
..better yet, think i'll make it:"snowflakes"we smileat these precocious snowflakes;all eager beavers-----------------..thanks, again, Diana
..furthermore, Diana, i've just had a revelation.just because the Japanese onji are shorter than syllables, doesn't mean thatwestern poets should write shorter haiku--it just means that the Japanese use a shorter space to say the same thing--so if weuse a shorter space, and it is translated into Japanese, what willbe present there will be shorter haiku than the norm in Japan....spiros-------------
That makes sense. However, there's something about the simplicity of the feel of fewer words in the English haiku that I've really come to like.Also, I really did like it when your snowflakes were dancing.
..indeed, the simplicity of thefeel of fewer words..i must agree,when it works, Diana..but all too often, some haiku poets have made it a rule to not consider anythingmore than twelve syllables for their haiku or for 'Haiku'..thanks much, for commenting on mypoems..>>spiros
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