One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

we smile
at these scant, pirouetting flakes
...so precociously winter
--------------

..circa Thursday, December 2, 2010
..Copyright 2010 Spiros Zafiris
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8 comments:

diana l. said...

Nice concept.

Spiros Zafiris said...

..thanks Diana..!

..spiros
-------

diana l. said...

As I reread this, I'm thinking that less might be so much more.

What about something like:

"we smile
scant flakes pirouette
precocious winter"

I know that's not quite right, but it still seems like it would have more power with fewer words. What do you think?

Spiros Zafiris said...

.thanks Diana..>>let me see; where's my little note book
..i kinda like your idea..how
about:
we smile
at these precocious flakes
all eager beavers
---------------
.i don't know where that came from
but it suddenly surfaced and i kinda like it..and it is shorter than the original..thanks.i may keep them both..spiros

Spiros Zafiris said...

..better yet, think i'll make it:
"snowflakes"

we smile
at these precocious snowflakes;
all eager beavers
-----------------

..thanks, again, Diana

Spiros Zafiris said...

..furthermore, Diana, i've just had a revelation.just because the Japanese onji are shorter than syllables, doesn't mean that
western poets should write shorter haiku--it just means that the Japanese use a shorter space to say the same thing--so if we
use a shorter space, and it is translated into Japanese, what will
be present there will be shorter haiku than the norm in Japan..

..spiros
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diana l. said...

That makes sense. However, there's something about the simplicity of the feel of fewer words in the English haiku that I've really come to like.

Also, I really did like it when your snowflakes were dancing.

Spiros Zafiris said...

..indeed, the simplicity of the
feel of fewer words..i must agree,
when it works, Diana..but all too often, some haiku poets have made it a rule to not consider anything
more than twelve syllables for their haiku or for 'Haiku'
..thanks much, for commenting on my
poems..>>spiros