One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

bundles of post
through the letterbox
a sycamore leaf

12 comments:

Alan Summers said...

Hi Rachel,

bundles of post
through the letterbox
a sycamore leaf


You'll find that inversion isn't the more effective device because it "hides" the haikuness that makes a poem a haiku.

Your close observation of an amusing yet resonant moment needs no inversion or forced punchline because it is so strong and subtle in a haiku way in itself.

e.g.

bundles of post
the sycamore leaf slips
through a letterbox


all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you Alan. Again you improve my work -- I am learning a great deal from you.

Beatrice V said...

Beautiful one, with underlayers of meanings. I just love a poem that sparks a chain of mental associations, and in turn gives it multiple interpretations.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thanks Beatrice

John McDonald said...

yes I love it
john

Kelly Marszycki said...

great image! -- but I question whether the two versions in Alan's comment convey two different senses? The original seems to imply that the leaf is a kind of posted item, which is humorous; the second conveys a sense that the leaf slipped through "on the sly," so to speak -- subtle difference there.

Alan Summers said...

Kelly said: "great image! -- but I question whether the two versions in Alan's comment convey two different senses?"

You are partly right. ;-)

Any shift will do that, but then haiku writing is a different beast to some other writings. ;-)


"The original seems to imply that the leaf is a kind of posted item, which is humorous; the second conveys a sense that the leaf slipped through "on the sly," so to speak -- subtle difference there."

That might be the crux, the first is possibly being seen accidently as anthromorphism which we don't want as a rule.

The second version still has the humour but has slipped through NOT posted itself.

I see your point, but I suppose I also wanted both syntax and readibility smoother.

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you both again.

What actually happened was there was a leaf in with the letters - it must have been wet and stuck to an envelope

diana l. said...

A fun observation!

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thanks Diana

Alan Summers said...

What a wonderful prose account of the incident, and I think you could pull some of that out into a haiku. ;-)

Maybe even a two liner?

autumn post
the leaf in with the letters


all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you Alan. What a lovely idea.