bundles of post through the letterbox a sycamore leaf
You'll find that inversion isn't the more effective device because it "hides" the haikuness that makes a poem a haiku.
Your close observation of an amusing yet resonant moment needs no inversion or forced punchline because it is so strong and subtle in a haiku way in itself.
e.g.
bundles of post the sycamore leaf slips through a letterbox
Beautiful one, with underlayers of meanings. I just love a poem that sparks a chain of mental associations, and in turn gives it multiple interpretations.
great image! -- but I question whether the two versions in Alan's comment convey two different senses? The original seems to imply that the leaf is a kind of posted item, which is humorous; the second conveys a sense that the leaf slipped through "on the sly," so to speak -- subtle difference there.
Kelly said: "great image! -- but I question whether the two versions in Alan's comment convey two different senses?"
You are partly right. ;-)
Any shift will do that, but then haiku writing is a different beast to some other writings. ;-)
"The original seems to imply that the leaf is a kind of posted item, which is humorous; the second conveys a sense that the leaf slipped through "on the sly," so to speak -- subtle difference there."
That might be the crux, the first is possibly being seen accidently as anthromorphism which we don't want as a rule.
The second version still has the humour but has slipped through NOT posted itself.
I see your point, but I suppose I also wanted both syntax and readibility smoother.
12 comments:
Hi Rachel,
bundles of post
through the letterbox
a sycamore leaf
You'll find that inversion isn't the more effective device because it "hides" the haikuness that makes a poem a haiku.
Your close observation of an amusing yet resonant moment needs no inversion or forced punchline because it is so strong and subtle in a haiku way in itself.
e.g.
bundles of post
the sycamore leaf slips
through a letterbox
all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.
Thank you Alan. Again you improve my work -- I am learning a great deal from you.
Beautiful one, with underlayers of meanings. I just love a poem that sparks a chain of mental associations, and in turn gives it multiple interpretations.
Thanks Beatrice
yes I love it
john
great image! -- but I question whether the two versions in Alan's comment convey two different senses? The original seems to imply that the leaf is a kind of posted item, which is humorous; the second conveys a sense that the leaf slipped through "on the sly," so to speak -- subtle difference there.
Kelly said: "great image! -- but I question whether the two versions in Alan's comment convey two different senses?"
You are partly right. ;-)
Any shift will do that, but then haiku writing is a different beast to some other writings. ;-)
"The original seems to imply that the leaf is a kind of posted item, which is humorous; the second conveys a sense that the leaf slipped through "on the sly," so to speak -- subtle difference there."
That might be the crux, the first is possibly being seen accidently as anthromorphism which we don't want as a rule.
The second version still has the humour but has slipped through NOT posted itself.
I see your point, but I suppose I also wanted both syntax and readibility smoother.
all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.
Thank you both again.
What actually happened was there was a leaf in with the letters - it must have been wet and stuck to an envelope
A fun observation!
Thanks Diana
What a wonderful prose account of the incident, and I think you could pull some of that out into a haiku. ;-)
Maybe even a two liner?
autumn post
the leaf in with the letters
all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.
Thank you Alan. What a lovely idea.
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