Autumn

me and my pregnant friend

worry that our tomatoes

will never ripen

dry leaves

hearing the blackbirds

in the shadows

2 comments:

Area 17 said...: Dear jem

I really like your haiku couples!

I love the informality of that first line! ;-)

me and my pregnant friend
worry that our tomatoes
will never ripen

I'm not sure you need "that" in the second line, because without it you continue that almost colloquialistic tone you've started.

It's a perfect example of a haiku that feels that it's midway in a conversation that we've just overheard. Wonderful wonderful wonderful! ;-)

me and my pregnant friend
worry our tomatoes
will never ripen

The second one is fantastic too!

You have a haiku full of crackling sound from leaves and birds. It's also a good example of when an "...ing" really works.

dry leaves
hearing the blackbirds
in the shadows

Even if someone read it as the dry leaves "hearing" the blackbirds, I don't think it matters. This has an amazing energy about it.

Wonderful sense of matching both haiku together.

A really joy!

all my best,
Alan
With Words
.; October 02, 2009
jem said...: Thanks for your feedback Alan. Always appreciated and helpful and absorbed, even if it takes me ages to come back and read it.

Of course, now that 'that' is so obviously unnecessary. Coming at a haiku after a break from it is always helpful in editing. But obviously the seasonal nature of these blogs makes us share our writing sooner than we otherwise might.; October 27, 2009

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