One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________


pale pendulous moon
heavy with promise -
cold nights alone

5 comments:

Alan Summers said...

pale pendulous moon
a heavy promise
cold nights alone


I like it. Did you mean to make this a winter kigo haiku (with "cold")

I think you could add "of" to make the last two lines into a phrase.

pale pendulous moon
the heavy promise
of cold nights alone


or

pale pendulous moon
the heavy promise
of nights alone


or

pale moon
the heavy promise
of lonely nights


Alan
1000 Verse Renga
.

diana l. said...

I guess autumn heads us toward winter. Originally, I wrote:

pale pendulous moon
heavy with a promise -
cold nights alone

Then, following some feedback regarding other haiku I've written, I decided to try to keep each line a bit more independent as opposed to so many wrap-around phrases. So now, I'm a bit stumped as to what I should be aiming for here.

Kelly Marszycki said...

one can feel the weight of this haiku --

pale pendulous moon
heavy with promise -
cold nights alone



it's difficult not to tinker too much, isn't it?

diana l. said...

I like your version best, Kelly. (Thanks.)

Alan Summers said...

Hi Diana,

Don't feel stumped. ;-)

The good thing about haiku is that we are forever learning. ;-)

Fragment and phrase (wrap around two lines) isn't the only technique, just useful in some circumstances.

Haiku with three separate lines is difficult to achieve.

If Basho took the time to edit his work over a period of several years we shouldn't be in such a hurry. ;-)

Enjoy the haiku journey! ;-)

Alan
1000 Verse Renga
.