Autumn

pale pendulous moon
heavy with promise -
cold nights alone

5 comments:

Area 17 said...: pale pendulous moon
a heavy promise
cold nights alone

I like it. Did you mean to make this a winter kigo haiku (with "cold")

I think you could add "of" to make the last two lines into a phrase.

pale pendulous moon
the heavy promise
of cold nights alone

or

pale pendulous moon
the heavy promise
of nights alone

or

pale moon
the heavy promise
of lonely nights

Alan
1000 Verse Renga
.; October 08, 2009
diana l. said...: I guess autumn heads us toward winter. Originally, I wrote:

pale pendulous moon
heavy with a promise -
cold nights alone

Then, following some feedback regarding other haiku I've written, I decided to try to keep each line a bit more independent as opposed to so many wrap-around phrases. So now, I'm a bit stumped as to what I should be aiming for here.; October 08, 2009
Kelly M. said...: one can feel the weight of this haiku --

pale pendulous moon
heavy with promise -
cold nights alone

it's difficult not to tinker too much, isn't it?; October 08, 2009
diana l. said...: I like your version best, Kelly. (Thanks.); October 09, 2009
Area 17 said...: Hi Diana,

Don't feel stumped. ;-)

The good thing about haiku is that we are forever learning. ;-)

Fragment and phrase (wrap around two lines) isn't the only technique, just useful in some circumstances.

Haiku with three separate lines is difficult to achieve.

If Basho took the time to edit his work over a period of several years we shouldn't be in such a hurry. ;-)

Enjoy the haiku journey! ;-)

Alan
1000 Verse Renga
.; October 10, 2009

Autumn

5 comments:

Autumn Events

Autumn Poems

Author Archive

Followers