One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

sound of church bells
the songthrush bases a snail
against a stone

10 comments:

Crafty Green Poet said...

lovely juxtaposition!

also its lovely these days to catch a thrush smashing snails, since they've become so much rarer (the thrushes that is of course)

Crafty Green Poet said...

is it worth actually, making this more specific and saying song thrush rather than just thrush? I think they're the only species that does this?

Leatherdykeuk said...

It would be CGP - I was actually unaware it was just the one variety that did it.

edited. Thank you.

Alan Summers said...

Great haiku!

I agree it's better to name the actual bird as a songthrush.

Only one niggle and that's Songthrush is in uppercase and it looks a bit distracting as everything else is lowercase. ;-)

Why I like this haiku is that it's a combination of plain prose allowing the reader in, plus that perfect "word pick" where the songthrush "bases the snail against "the sound of church bells".

I'd say this is the best haiku you've written so far! ;-)

If Wing Beats: British Birds in Haiku was still looking for submissions I feel it would have been accepted!

Alan
With Words
.

Alan Summers said...

.
You could consider removing "the" as I don't think it's necessary, and it helps create a more aesthetic short long short line shape.

By removing the first "the" you could re-deploy it in the second line?

sound of church bells
the songthrush bases a snail
against a stone


There's always a bit of editing to do, Basho took years. ;-)


Alan

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you Alan. Excellent suggestions, both.

Alan Summers said...

;-)

diana l. said...

Silly me. I missed the reference to musical tones entirely and thought that you meant to say "bashes". Now that I'm reading it properly, I like it all the more!

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thanks Diana.

Thining about it now 'snares' would have been better than 'bases'

Alan Summers said...

Hi Rachel,

No' "snares" wouldn't have been better, trust me, bases is such a neat word choice.

Alan