One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________


summer fades
into memory
meandering leaves

6 comments:

Alan Summers said...

I really like the first two lines!

summer fades
into memory
leaves wave limply


I wonder if a tighter 3rd line could juxtapose the lyrical first part?

e.g.

summer fades
into memory
just a few leaves


just a few leaves
summer fades
into memory


summer fades
just a few leaves
into memory


I think this could be extended into a tanka. Your lyrical touch is highly suitable to tanka. ;-)

all my best,
Alan
With Words
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diana l. said...

Thank you, Alan.

I was struck by how the leaves seemed to be waving goodbye to the fading season, but perhaps this didn't come across...

Alan Summers said...

"waves" is too anthromorpic, trust yourself, you are such an amazing poet,

I think your strength is tanka, but hold back on certain 'obviousisms, and anthromorphisms". Be certain in yourself that you don't need to telegraph.

Alan

diana l. said...

Thank you again, Alan. Point taken.

Alan Summers said...

Lovely haiku, with that tinge of tanka that you do so well. ;-)

That is such a gorgeous last line which really works well with the first two lines.

Absolutely gorgeous poem!

It makes for terrific joyous re-readings.

Alan
Alan's Haiku Blog of Events
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diana l. said...

Thank you so much, Alan. What a nice comment with which to wrap up the day!