I really like the first two lines!summer fadesinto memoryleaves wave limplyI wonder if a tighter 3rd line could juxtapose the lyrical first part?e.g.summer fadesinto memoryjust a few leavesjust a few leavessummer fadesinto memorysummer fadesjust a few leavesinto memoryI think this could be extended into a tanka. Your lyrical touch is highly suitable to tanka. ;-)all my best,AlanWith Words.
Thank you, Alan.I was struck by how the leaves seemed to be waving goodbye to the fading season, but perhaps this didn't come across...
"waves" is too anthromorpic, trust yourself, you are such an amazing poet,I think your strength is tanka, but hold back on certain 'obviousisms, and anthromorphisms". Be certain in yourself that you don't need to telegraph.Alan
Thank you again, Alan. Point taken.
Lovely haiku, with that tinge of tanka that you do so well. ;-)That is such a gorgeous last line which really works well with the first two lines.Absolutely gorgeous poem! It makes for terrific joyous re-readings.AlanAlan's Haiku Blog of Events.
Thank you so much, Alan. What a nice comment with which to wrap up the day!
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