One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

muddied leaves
slick beneath my feet
just as in love --
I must tread gingerly

(revised -- thanks, Alan!)

4 comments:

Leatherdykeuk said...

both are slippery slopes.

Alan Summers said...

I love this!

I just wonder if you could just add "I"

muddied leaves
slick beneath my feet

just as in love --
must tread gingerly


to

muddied leaves
slick beneath my feet

just as in love --
I must tread gingerly



Alan
1000 Verse Renga Project
.

Kelly Marszycki said...

Thanks Rachel! And Alan-- I was pondering in a more general sense, not necessarily reflecting back to me?

Alan Summers said...

I know what you mean, but it sounds just a little clipped. As this is very tanka like you can either go for "I" or "we" maybe?

Alan