One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

quiet morning stroll
brittle song of dead leaves --
neighbors raking

2 comments:

Alan Summers said...

I love those first two lines!

quiet morning stroll
brittle song of dead leaves


It shouldn't work in a haiku, but it does for me. Quite quite beautiful.

The last line doesn't work for me, partly because it feels akin to an inversion.

The phrase part is very personal, and I think many of us can instantly connect to it, and gain different moods at different times we read it.

Neighbours raking the leaves repeats in part the fact there are fallen leaves, also makes it feel urban or suburban, whereas I could be anywhere I have been with brittle leaves.

Those first two lines are breathtaking.

Maybe a neutral non-intrusive last line?

Those first two lines will stay with me for a long time, thank you. ;-)

Alan

Kelly M. said...

Alan -- always good to hear from you! know you've been busy! will keep in mind your suggestion --