One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________



come wrap her in autumns dark skin
lay atop her cold breast
the last of summers gifts
cover her poor scared nakedness

8 comments:

diana l. said...

I love your first line. I wonder if the piece would work better without "poor" and "scared" in the last one...

Dennis Tomlinson said...

Disturbing

Alan Summers said...

Maybe tanka in five lines?

wrap her
in a dark skin
and put on top
the last Summer gift
to cover her nakedness
her cold breast


??

Alan

Beatrice V said...

Hi Melanie, very poignant images, what do you think of Alan's comment above? The succintness makes the images even more powerful.

Pamela A. Babusci said...

just a suggestion:

wrap her
in dark skin
to cover
her nakedness
her cold breasts

tanka(?) should still be rewritten

Alan Summers said...

It's always difficult with a poem you've just written, to be able to strip it down and still convey what you want to.

I do actually prefer Pamela's suggestion, although I realise it's probably a shock right now to have so much taken out.

But please do trust in the poem's ability to withstand editing.

all my best,

Alan

Beloved Haiku Dreams said...

Thank you all for your great comments.

love-Melamie Bishop

diana l. said...

I love the concept that Alan described - "trust in the poem's ability to withstand editing"...I've never really viewed this is in this way...