I love your first line. I wonder if the piece would work better without "poor" and "scared" in the last one...
Maybe tanka in five lines?wrap her in a dark skinand put on top the last Summer giftto cover her nakednessher cold breast??Alan
Hi Melanie, very poignant images, what do you think of Alan's comment above? The succintness makes the images even more powerful.
just a suggestion:wrap herin dark skinto coverher nakednessher cold breaststanka(?) should still be rewritten
It's always difficult with a poem you've just written, to be able to strip it down and still convey what you want to.I do actually prefer Pamela's suggestion, although I realise it's probably a shock right now to have so much taken out.But please do trust in the poem's ability to withstand editing.all my best,Alan
Thank you all for your great comments.love-Melamie Bishop
I love the concept that Alan described - "trust in the poem's ability to withstand editing"...I've never really viewed this is in this way...
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