Autumn

come wrap her in autumns dark skin
lay atop her cold breast
the last of summers gifts
cover her poor scared nakedness

8 comments:

diana l. said...: I love your first line. I wonder if the piece would work better without "poor" and "scared" in the last one...; September 23, 2009
Dennis Tomlinson said...: Disturbing; September 23, 2009
Area 17 said...: Maybe tanka in five lines?

wrap her
in a dark skin
and put on top
the last Summer gift
to cover her nakedness
her cold breast

??

Alan; September 23, 2009
Beatrice V said...: Hi Melanie, very poignant images, what do you think of Alan's comment above? The succintness makes the images even more powerful.; September 23, 2009
Pamela A. Babusci said...: just a suggestion:

wrap her
in dark skin
to cover
her nakedness
her cold breasts

tanka(?) should still be rewritten; September 23, 2009
Area 17 said...: It's always difficult with a poem you've just written, to be able to strip it down and still convey what you want to.

I do actually prefer Pamela's suggestion, although I realise it's probably a shock right now to have so much taken out.

But please do trust in the poem's ability to withstand editing.

all my best,

Alan; September 23, 2009
Cassiopeia Rises said...: Thank you all for your great comments.

love-Melamie Bishop; September 23, 2009
diana l. said...: I love the concept that Alan described - "trust in the poem's ability to withstand editing"...I've never really viewed this is in this way...; September 24, 2009

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