One edge
hanging over the mountain--
the Milky Way

---Shiki
____________________________

scent of cedarwood
the sound of chainsaws
drowns the crows


(edited)

10 comments:

Area 17 said...

Crows compete
with the sound of chainsaws
the scent of cedars


Maybe swap lines around, even shorten them?

e.g.

scent of cedar
crows compete
with chainsaws


Alan
1000 Verse Renga

Rachel Green said...

Thank you Alan

Kelly M. said...

Interesting combination of soft sounds -- "scent", "cedarwood", "sound" -- ending with that hard C with crows -- a satisfying visual and aural symmetry to this!

Rachel Green said...

Thank you Kelly.
I'm ashamed to say I hadn't noticed!

Cassiopeia Rises said...

Love this one and I agree with Kelly. The sounds blend ever so softly.

love-Melanie-bhd

Area 17 said...

I love the edited version, well done Rachel!!!! ;-)

Another stunning haiku.

Alan
1000 Verse Renga
.

Rachel Green said...

Thank you both :)

David said...

this is really good. Love it!!

Rachel Green said...

Thank you, David

diana l. said...

Wonderfully sensory!