I really like "river carries a stillness" although I'd suggest using a definite article.river carries a stillnesskingfisher dives --not a rippleDon't get caught up in worrying about syllable counts, if the long line has to have eight syllables to maintain a natural syntax then trust that. e.g.kingfisher divethe river carries a stillnessnot a rippleAn old one of mine, although I prefer your's now! ;-)rain ceases as I leave the sycamore. . . one more kingfisherAlan SummersBlithe Spirit December 2004 issueall my best,AlanWith Words Online Haiku Competition Results.
question: would an article imply a particular river? just curious --
Hi Kelly! ;-)A definite article would imply a particular river, but unnamed it could be anyone's particular river.Is the haiku experiential or imagined? If it's experiential I still don't feel you need to name the river, as "River Kingfishers" are common in several countries from Sri Lanka, England, Australia etc...It definitely works very well as an "unnamed river" or "unknown river" a bit like the "unknown soldier" is universal.all my best,AlanWith Words Online Haiku Competition Results.
river carries a stillnesskingfisher dives -- not a rippleListen to Alan’s haiku:rain ceases as I leave the sycamore. . . one more kingfisherThe incredible music and longing in the naming of the tree and the pause with the follow through of “one more kingfisher”. The whole thing reminds me of a musical phrase. I guess you call that lyrical. Yet I agree with Alan that in your piece not naming the river, in this instance, is open to “everyone’s river”. Alan’s suggestion:kingfisher divethe river carries a stillnessnot a rippleIt's nice enough! However, excuse me for further cuts, what about the obvious to me:kingfisher divethe river carries stillness???My Apologies,martin
I was thinking further on your moment and I know that if someone fiddled with my attempt I would say, “Get your hands off my poem.” and mean it! However, I feel that suggestion captures what you wanted to show in that magical instant. Those suggestions are just that guides. Maybe you can go back to it and explore it further, such as a haiku sequence or haibun. It’s all just a thought.Regards,martin
no offenses taken! I welcome suggestions as I'm just learning with a long road ahead. :~)
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